The king is dead. Long live the king!

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Good day,

I know. Long time between blog updates. What can I say? My day job/life has taken up time and lack of insprido has left a vacuum for post.

But, here I am, so..

Well done to the FA. Instead of picking the easy option and choosing the man whom the tabloid media types have been stuffing down our throats for the few months, they picked Roy Hodgson.

The tabloid and ‘pundits’ berated Fabio for his poor English language communication and not being, well, English enough for them. They glossed over his many achievements prior to the England job and his win rate since he took the job. (from memory the only England manager with a higher win % was Sir Alf Ramsey)

And, even despite the horrendous thunder cunt of a player John Terry publicly undermining Fabio during the world cup in 2010, a large section of the media still back John Terry and the team of low achieving, average, over paid crop of dullards in our national team.

You’ll note that during the tax trail of Harry, not one paper I am aware of ran any stories or articles mocking Redknapps self confessed poor grasp on the English written language.  Nor did they mock his poor memory. Not one Janet and John book photoshopped into the pictures or such like. Well why would they? Harry, to a modern ‘hack’ is what the golden goose was to Jack. A gift that keeps giving.

Good old Harry. Always got time to pull up and wind his window down to chat to the lads from Sky. Always into the training ground and straight to the press/media area as opposed to the actual training ground.

The hard truth is, he would have made an ideal England manager for the tabloids. He would have been happy giving nice cosy team line ups. He would have surrendered all his plans as long as a camera or mic was rolling. Good ole Arry, takes the work out of reporting.

I’d imagine that after the months of the “Harry for England” campaign, the looks on the faces of all those who have loudly, and, with no shame told all of us that there is only one man to pick, finding out Roy has got the gig and not their beloved Harry would have been something else.

Oh, Harry. A man who himself continuously put himself in the shop window at the expense of spurs season finale.

His telling sound bite when asked about the England job weeks back prior to spuds v Stevanage.

“I’ve not spoken to anybody – I’m not going to rule myself out but I’ve not been ruled in either,”

And that line alone tells you all you need to know about Harry. Instead of saying “Sorry, I am contracted to tottnum, I’m here to discuss the FA cup game” he chose to effectively say “I’m lifting my skirt to show the muff, but the FA haven’t rang me yet”

Of course, the best bit of this whole caper is the hilarious fact that despite all Harrys’ titty shaking and cheeky chappy ‘give me a ring, and I’ll drop spurs like a warm shit’ posturing, the FA never rang him.

And, coupled with the implosion of form at the lane, Harry has looked less and less the right man for the job. Blaming everyone but himself for the run of results since that wondrous 5-2 at the Grove. In fact, he even offered that ‘everyone tells me we are better playing 4-4-2, but we’re not’ which means he listened to everyone, went 4-4-2, then despite knowing it was not working stuck with it.. Wow! Blinding bit of tactical genius there Harry..

Of course, since the tabloids and sky championed Harry so forcefully, they look rather stupid now. The ‘nail on’ prediction of Harry for England, the endorsements from pundits and players have all backfired. The FA have had the temerity to go and pick a better, quieter, smarter option in Roy Hodgson.

And as quickly as the rags had to wipe and delete the ready prepared “Harry gets England job” complete with three lions (and Rosie, presumably) photoshops, they have filled the pages and airwaves with nothing short of contempt for Roy Hodgson.

Poor old Roy. A much better option and on paper a better manager. Sadly, our cunts of lazy hacks will do nothing to support him and will ridicule him until he quits or gets sacked. In fact, I’d wager that even if Roy gets to the semi at the coming Euros, the headlines will read “Woyed rage as England crash out” or some such line.

Just as a point, as soon as I read the first “Woy” in print mocking Roy on a national papers print I have ceased to use it. Why? Well, when I used it previously, I never backed it with the bile and agenda that is clearly evident in the tabloids now.

Roy has been, and for my money, always will be, a gentleman. Never one for quick smirking soundbites or promoting his own brand. And seeing him mocked and ridiculed as we are seeing in the media at present has changed my outlook on the matter.

The King is dead. Fuck Harry! Give me King Roy any day!

Have a day.

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QPR – Barton – Mark Hughes and the forgotten c**t.

Good day,

With the looming game of QPR away on Saturday I felt the need to highlight one name that has been under used when discussing the long list of reasons/cunts why we want to smash QPR in the arse-box with our goal machine of a team.

Sure, Mark Hughes has a long pedigree as a classless wirey haired minge lipped twat.  And yes, Joey Barton, the modern day `thinker` has a list of nasty, cunty, illegal & shit headed episodes to gaze upon.

But, we should take a few moments to acknowledge among these aforementioned shits the missing name of Adel Taarabt

Adel, unlike the talented award winning Adele in the pop charts spud supporting cunt, this Adel is a turd who has been flushed through the footballing sewage works of the spuds down the Seven Sisters.  Ok, he may have only played 9 games for them, but he still `was` one of them. And, as far as I am aware, only Sol has managed to walk out of the lane without the stench of shite in recent years.

So, remember to boo him wherever you are watching the game on Saturday and do use the `C` bomb freely on all three of the toss-pots.

FINALLY!

Have a day!

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Face like a….

Arseblog was right about Alex McLeish looking like a sunburnt ball bag..

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Ok, It`s no number 1# in the hit parade….

In amongst my drinking tonight I found on my iTunes play list this old gem I (drunkenly) performed when I had songify on my old iPhone.

I also came across this one too.  Another drunken gem…

Enjoy! and bottoms up.

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England’s choice… The decision

Int: soho square in the office where the next England mangager will be decided

(the chief exec is on one side of a long oak desk with other FA dignitaries. One the other side sits Stuart Pearce and Harry Redknapp)

FA exec #1
So. What makes you think you are the right man for the job? Harry, you start.

Harry
Well, when I came here we had two points from eigh…

(Exec #2 interrupts)
Exec #2
Erm, Harry. That was over three years ago now. Anything more recent?

HARRY
Erm. I beat the tax case?

FA EXEC #1
Erm. Ok. Well that’s not quiet the qualification we are looking for. We mean football related.

HARRY
It was transfer bungs, you can’t get more football related.
(Harry looks smirking at the rest of the Execs for warm approval)

EXEC #2
Erm… Well, still. Harry we need something more achievable and honourable to hang our hat on if we are going to back you for the job.

HARRY
Ok, ok. What if I stick a monkey in your wallet and we call it a early Xmas gift from me and Sandra?

FA EXEC #1
Jesus Harry! We are trying to save some credibility after the John Terry debacle. Taking bungs is not going to help the image of the FA.

HARRY
Ok, ok. Cripes keep yer hair on.
(Harry puts his wallet away)

FA EXEC #1
Now, have you anything we can validate your choice with Harry?

HARRY
Erm, oh! Me facking FA cup with Southampton. Heh heh

EXEC #2
Erm, that was Portsmouth Harry. Who, by the way, are in deep fiscal strife as a result of your tenure.

HARRY
Portsmouth, Southampton. Apples, Lemons.. What’s the difference eh.

FA EXEC #1
Oh for crying out loud. Ok, Stuart what about you?

Stuart Pearce
Erm. Look at my hair cut…..

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FA EXEC #1
Congratulations Harry…

HARRY
Triffic! Can I have my wages in used notes… Fifties if possible..

(HARRY WINDS THE WINDOW UP ON THE CAR DOOR HE IS CARRYING)

END SCENE

By Daryl Booth

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Keith and the case of the missing wonga

Welcome to the the blog of Dr D Booth. Associate of the amateur detective Mr Keith Malda.

For the next few weeks I will be reporting on a strange case. Indeed this case did vex both Keith and myself.
So, as we journey along the way we felt it best to share of work on this case…

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you..

Keith and the case of the missing wonga

Keith and I had been called by commissioner Brown about 36 months ago. We had had previous dealing with the commissioner in the past, helping to solve a few low key cases that the local boys in blue had struggled with. So Brown was no stranger to our door step. Indeed, we often quipped over a fine ale that since we had not heard from the good commissioner for a week or so ‘maybe we should see if he was a missing person yet’ ha ha.

On this occasion the ice cold January bleakness was shattered by a call.
Keith is somewhat of a Luddite and does not hold with modern telephones, thusly I usually take the calls. When I answered the phone-u-lator Brown was like an excitable dog. He could not get the strange request for our immediate presence quick enough. After his call, we made our way to the south coast to a place called Portsmouth. An odd place.

Upon entering the recreational building site that I was informed was used as a place of football, we were greeted by a weird looking oik covered with tattoos and ringing a bell continuously.

I was later informed he was something of a soothsayer and had become mad upon the arrival of the one he called ‘the liquidator’. No one seemed to know whom this mysterious liquidator was, but the clouds had gathered and times seemed grim.

Brown led us to a small room where a rather grey and worried looking accountant was sat close to tears.

Upon Keith taking in his surroundings he looked at Brown. The commissioner went to open his mouth to explain why we had be summoned, but he was cut off as his first word was formed by Keith.

Keith raised his hand and silenced the man and myself.  He then launched on his summery of the situ.
“Commissioner, no need to explain our presence here”
Brown looked shocked, as did the pale man in the chair. I however stood awaiting the oncoming show.
“But Malda, how could you possibly know why you are here?” he asked.
“Oh come now, we are in a football clubs stadium, I can deduce that despite a trophy in the cabinet to your left, which I am assuming is new a the rest of the room has dust gathering while the trophy is clean.  I can also see all the files behind you are in no chronological order, and nor are they in alphabetical order. Yet, I can see a clear error. There are at least three files the seem thinner that all the rest around. The tax records, I would guess judging by the pathetic man sitting before me who by the wrinkles on his right index finger i deduce is a man who either works in a library turning pages or more likely an man whose job entails working with lots of paper thus facilitating the need to lick his finger repeatedly”

The man in the chair shuffled..
“Also, since this area is outside your jurisdiction and judging by Daryl’s panic to get us here I can only assume a power greater than you commissioner has asked for us. Am I correct?

Brown sighed. “Yes Malda. Again, you are right”

Keith drew a breath of satisfaction. Almost sucking in his own victory along with the evident awe now in abundance at his detective work.

I too sighed. But in a manner that was accompanied by a roll of the eyes.

“Who are you?” Keith pointed to the man in the chair.

“I erm, I am Bernie Crumbs. The clubs accountant”

“So, how much?” Keith ventured.

“How much what?” responded Brown.
Keith gritted his teeth and visibly stifled his frustration at the response from Brown. “How much money is missing from the tax returns?”

Mr Crumbs cleared his throat and nervously looked away from Keith’s icy gaze “We estimate at the very least £185,000. All from the transfers fund”

Keith marched to the window and looked out across the half muddy pitch below. His hands clasped together behind his back. I went to walk towards him to confer but he sensed my approach and voiced sternly “Booth, please don’t interrupt”

“Erm, I have not even..” I protested, but he cut me off “you were about to suggest we begin by sifting through this establishment for clues or tracks”

Once again my eyes rolled in my head “and don’t do that look” Keith sneered.. Still facing away from me. “How did you..” I went to venture, again I was cut off
“I can hear you exhale and see your reflection in this window” he replied. I could almost sense a smirk amongst his reply.
Brown piped up “What is your plan then Malda?”
“I’m heading home. The answers are all in London” Keith replied as he turned to face the room again.
“Home?” I asked, somewhat perplexed.

“Yes. I can tell you now that who ever masterminded this crime was too clever to leave a clumsy clue in the place. To see the crime in the past, we need to see the crime of the future”

“What? That makes no sense” the pale accountant added.
Once again Keith drew a frustrated breath, then began his out loud thought process.

“The criminal behind this act is a person of great greed. The amount you venture Mr Crumbs is not enough to keep this thief happy. He will not stop here. I need the names of all involved in the sale and purchase of players or staff here. And get me the home address of Mavis the tea lady”

Crumbs looked shocked at Keith’s last request “Mavis? How could you possibly know she was the tea lady?”

“Oh for heavens sake, all the clues are in this room. Look at the wall! Xmas cards and the fourth one down from the left is from Mavis and Joe to Mr Milan with a personal note that reads ‘Happy Xmas from Mavis, enjoy the PG tips”

Once again I sighed. And we made our way back to London with my head swimming in questions.

Who was our criminal matsermind?

Why back to London?

What has Mavis got to do with any of this?

And who ordered Comissioner Brown to bring Keith and myself in on this crime?

Tune it to Monday for more..

Dr Booth.

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Snap! Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes cheats death.

After seeing the last episode in series two of Sherlock, I was immediately buzzing as to how the explanation would be delivered to us in series three next year.

Holmes lives.

My 1st theory: Snap, Holmes!

Things we can deduce from the episode itself.

The little girl screams when Sherlock attempts to speak to her. So this would imply she has seen his face and associates it with the kidnap ordeal.

James Moriarty presents himself to Sherlock as a struggling children’s TV actor in the reporter’s home.

Sherlock approaches the plain Jane lab girl for help near the end of the episode.

Sherlock states that he trust his `homeless network` (Baker street boys) far more than the police to do a job.

Sherlock specifically tells John where to stand as he is on the roof top before jumping.

So here is how I think it played out.

Sherlock knew that Moriarty would want Sherlock to end up disgraced and die in shame. Thus giving Moriarty the ego shove that he was right about being the `cleverest man in the room` in their game. He twigged this before he went to the hospital in the final act.

I suspect another `actor. /double` was located by Moriarty previously. That lookalike was then used to kidnap the children. Thus explaining the little girls scream when seeing Sherlock at the police station. Either that or a mask worn by Moriarty.

Also, if Moriarty has been building a past as an actor he could scour agencies for a decent Sherlock double.

Sherlock sets up the rooftop meeting. He already knows there is no pass key and the clues given are red herrings. But he continues the charade to let Moriarty gain his elevated ego kick.

Perhaps, hoping to gain more info from a bragging villain?

A previously arranged lorry with soft landing has been arranged to pull up as soon as he steps out onto the ledge. (This is seen in the episode pulling up)

The look-a-like used was killed by Moriarty to ensure his silence him after the kidnap. After all, how can you discredit Sherlock if a lookalike pops up and sells his story?

Sherlock manages to locate the lookalikes body with the help of either Mycroft and/or the lab lady.

Already knowing that he must `die` to save John and the others, Sherlock arranges for the lab girl to store the lookalike body in the rubbish lorry that pulls up before he jumps. Or throw it from a window a few floors below the roof

Once he is sure John can see him on the roof and see his fall trajectory Holmes leaps. Knowing he will land in the lorry/bin with soft landing set up.

As John rushes over, one of the trusty baker street boys who had been watching John hits him to slow his approach. This allows Sherlock to land in the `soft bin` and roll out the dead lookalike. Or the dead body is thrown from a window a few floors down.

Lab lady has perhaps done the body up to looks `just baked` with make-up and clothing.

John, after a delay reaches the body, checks the pulse of the already dead lookalike and believes Sherlock is dead.

Sherlock knows that he must `stay dead` so that all of Moriartys men stand down and are located by Mycrofts MI5/6 agents (or by Sherlock himself)

The only snag I can see in this theory is that Sherlock cannot be certain of where or if Moriarty might stand in relation to the roof. Perhaps he researched the potential snipers best vantage point and based it upon that. Already knowing where Moriarty would sit based on his visit to Holmes flat (when he is offered a seat by Holmes, yet takes the seat he feels has more of an advantage for his purpose)

Of course, with a well placed splatter pack and rigged gun Moriarty could also be alive if Moffat and chums deviate from the books.

Anyway.

My two cents.

Have a day.

@goonerman2

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